his posture NEVER changes towards me

friends.

the distance from my blog has not been because i am avoiding writing. it’s just that i have been avoiding just sitting with jesus and processing. so much has been happening and changing in my life that i have just feared sitting still. jesus has been so good to me and revealed so much of his character to me that my heart is bursting. life has just been a whirlwind and i have felt outside of my body. however, while observing i have seen the lord working. and it all began with my setting my pride aside (never an easy thing for someone who has been diagnosed a “perfectionist”). and just watching HIM work.

it all began with this sermon from Lifepoint Church about how the lord is sanctifying his followers. that word sanctify is such a frighteningly large word. but it’s beautiful when the lord lets your heart understand it. then this sermon was followed by a super encouraging spirit- filled leadership where a great friend just let it out about community and truly truly embracing the gift of where jesus has us. this leadership didn’t end there. another super woman shared that our posture to the lord changes how we experience him. through processing my posture towards jesus. i realized i fear him in a non-reverent way but in a distant way. i felt as though jesus is constantly just having to fix every single mistake. all my constant failure. but during this time in leadership i was reminded over and over again that jesus’ posture towards me hasn’t ever changed. he IS the same over and over again. he created me and has a love for me that cannot change. he loves molding me and teaching me because he is growing me to be a follower of him. he is growing me to be his disciple. this leadership prepared my heart for what would happen a day later.

just before JM yL club was about to begin… i get a message from my sweet sweet friend saying, “kayla, Ann Preston made it through surgery but the doctors found cancer she wanted to make sure that you knew…” OH MY GOSH. again. i’ve already lost one friend to this awful, sick, disgusting disease. ARE YOU KIDDING ME JESUS. denny’s death rocked me. i miss that boy every day. and NOW my sweet sweet young college roommate. so i immediately sorted through what was going on… and PTL that i was able to drive to nashville and be with annie. i was afraid to drive ten hours alone. that meant i would be just alone… with just me. and jesus. this was a beautiful gift. this drive, the entire time is rained and poured and i felt jesus just pouring his love and peace out over me. i didn’t shed a single tear… and guys i cry. ALL THE TIME i cry. but this news brought no tears. and i believe within the deepest parts of my soul it was because the lord had just whispered to me that his posture was not changing. i heard him say, “kayla position yourself to receive and watch what i am going to do.” but that meant that i had to be positioned for good bad and ugly. that is terrifying. to know that you are going to stay trusting even if jesus doesn’t heal my friend. gosh i was terrified. but there was just this peace. i slept by annie’s side for three nights. i gave her water, gatorade and organic broth over and over. i bathed her. i held her hand. i laughed with her. and we read jesus’ word together. and through all that we just let jesus do what he was going to do. because all we could do was position ourselves for what he had next and cling to his promises that he was going to be ever present with us.

jesus never promised us an easy life… or even a good life. he promised us a life with him.

 ann preston is cancer free. she had cancer and it’s gone. bc that’s what jesus wanted. i saw more of God’s character in this last week and half then i have been able to see in all my years. and why. because i put myself in position to see what the lord would do. i prayed. and pleaded. but i mostly just said over and over and over again. that i would trust him in whatever. because he had a plan.

jesus has brought friends in my life that have sent me encouraging text messages and prayers in this time. i felt weary and pitiful and there was immediate love and encouragement and truth brought to me within minutes of my humbling myself. all it took was an honest plea of saying I AM NOT OKAY. and sometimes i am not. but most of the time i love to appear okay. however i am fighting a battle inside. a battle that wasn’t meant to be fought alone.

jesus has brought such incredible opportunities in my career. i get the privilege to coach JV Girl’s soccer at Massaponax HS this spring. ahhh. i love coaching. i did it at JMU and boy was it rewarding. this is a major step forward for my resume and long term goal of becoming a teacher. it’s why i am in graduate school. it’s exciting. a midst all this chaos i am seeing the lord’s favor. my trip to nashville was funded and ended up being free because annie’s parents were compelled to give me gas money!!! WHAT?! just wild things. truths like this came to my phone just this morning ” Jame 3:18 ‘peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness’ to find peace we to dwell in it. i feel like i’ve been avoiding jesus for quite some time now and expecting to reap the harvest of his peace with actually putting myself in his presence at the foot of his cross…that’s not possible… God didn’t make us and then become disappointed bc of the fall. he designed us, knew the fall would happen and decided to create us anyway.” guys this friend spoke words that are so incredibly true. gosh. i am blessed to know such awesome people that share what they’re learning so that i can learn too. and join them at the foot of the cross with jesus. so blessed.

i am loved by the king. that’s enough. but how beautiful it is to walk life with friends who show me christ. and friends that challenge me. i have seen jesus as healer this week. i have seen him as a giver this week. i have seen him wrap his arms around me and hold me. he is NOT letting me go. i will fail and he will have to save me. but amen that he knows already and doesn’t change his posture towards me.

i hope you find blessing in the mess. and see christ work and move today. and always.